So this guy comes up to me at the Reference Desk today, and whispers something about 'enhancement'. I asked him to repeat the question, and then he says, a little louder, 'Does natural male enhancement work?' Of course, my first response should have been: 'No way, dude. I once swallowed half a bottle before going to the beach and not only did the little Giggler get smaller, I soiled myself twice before I got to the public showers.' But I directed him to the medical section instead.
But it got me to thinking. What if I could get into this Enzyte type racket...Not being a pharmacologist, however, my thoughts strayed instead to the very sad, very common, problem of male impotence. And I got an idea. What follows is a transcript of what went through my mind:
Announcing: The Wang Whisperer!
Yes, the Wang Whisperer. Finally there is a viable option for those suffering from unwanted erectile disfunction. You know what I mean, gentlemen. I speak, of course, about embarassing bouts of 'whiskey-dink', 'jellyroll johnson', 'down periscope', 'floppy fusilli', 'sloop john b.', 'the sudden innie', 'cocktail wiener', 'the Jaeger dangler', or 'Dr. Wrinkles'.
But now there is a solution! Just call the Wang Whisperer! No more fumbling apologies, fits of weeping, or feeble tuggings! No more popsicle-stick splints! No more 'stretch and duct tape' experiments! The Wang Whisperer will save the day. Just listen to what some satisfied customers have said:
"I couldn't recommend the Wang Whisperer more highly. One night, crippled by Campari and O.J., I was unable to get the little Sergeant to salute. But, in a flash, the Wang Whisperer was on the job. I don't know what he was saying down there to that sad, droopy soldier, as all I could hear were some mellifluous murmerings, but within a minute I was back, knee-deep in the hoopla."
"Sure I was skeptical. Sure I was a little sickened when I saw what he was doing. But, he was there when I needed him most, kneeling above Mr. Puppet uttering a silent prayer. Of course, my lady friend left disgusted, but the Wang Whisperer didn't flinch. He just put on a pair of gloves and said, 'Never leave a man's behind'. Needless to say, he is now on my speed-dial."
So there you have it. A new marketing plan for a new generation of drunks. Nice.
9 hours ago