Thursday, November 6, 2008

Ah, memories...

An interesting thing just happened here at Destination: Enjoy headquarters. As I was typing my last post about the worst break-up songs ever, I couldn't get 'Desperado' by the Eagles out of my head. Go figure. So, just for kicks, I typed 'Desperado crap' into my search engine and found this little nugget:

Wow. At first, I was understandably disgusted. Then I was a little upset. After all, why didn't SFU alert me to this problem? I could have easily solved the case. Surely everybody knows that, in my heyday, I built a solid reputation thwarting this type of filth-flinging villain, and should have been called upon to assist in this matter. Permit me to elaborate.

While sealed records do not allow me to reveal the names of those whom I have previously apprehended, I can at least give you their noms-de-plume, greatest shits, and places of capture.

London, Ontario: 'The Mad Crapper' -- A true dastard. His classic sneak? He once dumped a pail of fecal stew over the head of unsuspecting stall-squatter.

Hamilton, Ontario: 'The Shitty Speller' -- Once wrote the word 'Crap' on the bathroom wall with his own feces. I remember thinking, truthfully, 'Ah, the genius of that'.

Largo, Fl: 'The Smear Campaigner' -- Once 'sculpted' a perfect representation of Al Gore on the stall door. In preparation, he was thought to have eaten a plate of succotash and sauerkraut the night before.

Burlington, VA: 'The Dung Beatle' -- Known for offering his own pinch on a platter to those sitting in the stall next to him. Often with the offer of a side of mayonnaise.

Halifax, N.S.: 'The Exploding Steamer' -- His modus operandi involved cherry bombs and a lotta homemade deuce.

Largo, FL: The worst, most heinous anus of them all. The man known to this day only as, 'The Smudge'

So, as you see, I was clearly wronged not to have been consulted on the aforementioned case.

That is all.

1 comment:

  1. Awesome...

    Toronto City Hall suffered a crap mail bomber for such a long time that it had to remove a publicly accessible mailbox.

    Apparently one of Toronto's more hard-core homeless, a self-talking ranter, shouter, St Vitus dancer was delivering daily bags of pooh to express his displeasure with our Civic Government.

    For a while it was a mystery...until Security caught him brown-handed!