Lesson #2, or The Löwenbräu & Baked Beans Gambit Pt.1
Continuing along the path through college life's many valuable lessons, we must pause for a moment at this critical juncture and explore a phenomenon quite common in the young male freshman: total fucking stupidity.
You see, many young men do not realize that things they and their buddies enjoy might not be exactly fun on a bun for a young woman. And it was no different back in the Giggler's day. But before I set the scene of the infamous Löwenbräu & Baked Beans Gambit, I feel I must introduce the supporting cast in this little tale, for some of these gentleman may come up in further escapades reported in this educational series. There were six (6) lads involved, and they were all roommates in the shittiest, smallest, smelliest house in town.
Idiot #1: The Giggler
As we are already familiar with the Giggler, nothing more need be said here--except, perhaps, that he is the gentleman responsible for allowing a female to experience the L&B Gambit.
Idiot #2: Big D.
We have discussed Big D. in the post below about our sheissy cover-band, but perhaps a few more titbits could be added here, as they tangentially pertain to the L&B Gambit. First off, it was Big D. who invented the dreaded 'Venting Manoeuvre'--a fiendish olfactory trick that had all his roommates living in constant, gnawing fear. The manoeuvre went thusly: If Big D. ever passed gas in the S.B.D. category--that is to say sans son--he would quickly create a vented 'carpal' tunnel with both his hands, and fiercely blow the offensive odour in the direction of his chosen victim. After three or four gusts, the victim was treated to a faceful of poorly digested hot dogs, Doritos and Black Label, quietly released in a hideous, yet invisible, gaseous cloud. Needless to say, this manoevre was as disgusting as it was clever--and it really does work. Drink 12 Guinness and eat some cabbage rolls and try it on your friends today. Tell 'em the Giggler sent ya.
Big D.'s other claim to fame in those days was his beer-pounding ability. For example, a group of co-eds decided to play 'Century Club' one night--that is to say, they were to drink 100 1 & 1/2oz. shots of beer in 100 minutes. That's about 12 & 1/2 beers in just over an hour & a half. It's not as easy as it sounds, folks, but the Giggler and Big D. did finish the ordeal and joined this 'illustrious' club. The other five jokers were puking and crying by about the mid-70s. Anyway, 100 was not enough for Big D., no siree. He decided to take on the 'Sesqui-centennial', and keep going for 50 more shots in as many minutes. That's about 19 beers in just over 2 & 1/2 hours, folks. And Big D. triumphed. A classic, plain and simple.
Big D. also had a habit of naming his bowel movements, and forcing his roommates to view them. I remember with horror 'The Cobra', 'The Hamburger', 'The Dairy Queen Tip', and the dreaded 'Mound'.
Idiot #3: The Animated Huckster
Now Huckster is actually Big D.'s bigger brother, and he, unlike the rest of us clowns, was not a student at the time. Instead, he worked as the early morning Doughboy at a local pizza joint. This proved to be a real boon for his roommates, for he was able to bring home a bag of shitty, stale pizza crusts every week--crusts that got tossed around the room to be chomped on while the lads got boozy, giving them all a nifty, yet nutritionless snack. A lesser perk of the Huckster's job, however, arose when his boss asked him to dress up as the pizzeria's mascot for a children's party. Sadly, the mascot was called 'The Pizza Monster', and resembled the Red Sox mascot, Wally, and not in a good way. Needless to say, Hucky was none too pleased by this turn of events. In fact, his turn as the Pizza Monster actually lost him his job that night. It appears that a young lad of four or five years pulled on the Huckster's costume and cried out, 'Pizza Monster, Pizza Monster! Say something funny, Pizza Monster!' But Huckster, to very little parental approval, gruffly replied, 'Fuck you, kid. Tell yer story walkin''. And that, sadly, was the end of his job, and our weekly pizza crust snacks.
Idiot #4 -- Hoot
Now this particular fellow had some odd habits to say the very least. Perhaps the most impressive, though also completely disgusting, habit was to chew his toenails in the living room while we were all watching TV. Seriously. He would sit like some yogic-flying dick on an easy chair and yank his foot up and start chomping on his nails--spitting the offensive remnants onto the floor. Compaints were always met the same way: 'What?' One time, when his feet stank so bad that he was told to go shower, he emerged moments later reeking of English Leather--shitty cologne he had just dumped all over his feet. Complaints were met with Hoot saying, 'Shower in a bottle, is it not?'
He was also seen creating one of the more bizarre culinary experiences imaginable. One evening, Hoot entered the living room with a 16 oz. can of pineapple, and a small, precut ham. He began to stuff slice after slice of pineapple into his cheeks, while swallowing none. Once the whole can was in his mouth, he started shoving ham slices in there, and began slowly chewing, mixing, and swallowing bits of this hideous bolus-y mélange. This delightful process also included Hoot attempting to tell a story to the room as he 'ate'. So, you've got an entire pound of pineapple in your mouth, half a fucking ham, and you're trying to tell me about your day pickin' dick? Just great.
Idiot #5 -- Pummus
Pummuswas a great guy, but he had a couple of strange character flaws that tended to both amuse and annoy his roommates. The first flaw became known as the 'Drunken Mathemagician'. You see, on nights when the fellas would gather to drink and order pizza, each guy would usually buy a case of beer or a 12-pack for himself. Pummus, the Mathemagician, was always a little worried that his beer would be pilfered by one of his house mates--so he drank OV rather than the classier, and heavily favoured, Black Label. He always bought a 12-pack. This is all well and good--You buy it, you drink it. But here is where the Drunken Mathemagician became legend. Pummus would--without fail--drink his entire 12-pack of beer, sneak a few Black Labels from his roomies, and later pass out in his room on a pile of drool soaked gitch. The next morning, however, Pummus would open the fridge and curse loudly, shouting that 'I lost 9 beers last night!' Always 9 beers. And always oblivious to the fact that he not only drank them all, but stole a few others from his buddies. Classic Pumm.
The second wacky flaw also relates to theft. But this time of foodstuffs. Pummus' inability to ever buy his own condiments, preferring instead to swipe schmears and glops from others' personal tubs, was a never-ending source of glee and mild anger. In fact, some guys began setting traps in the mayonnaise, butter and mustard in order to establish a lexicon of proof of these dastardly dips. The lengths that were gone to just to prove what we already knew merely showed us all as the idiots we truly were.
Idiot #6 -- Danno
Danno was a classic guy. In retrospect, he was probably the only one of us who actually went to his classes and took school seriously. But while we dreamed of getting locked overnight in bars, he tried--unsuccessfully--to elude the security guards so he could spend all night in the library. Kooky cat. He also had an ability to turn any conversation onto the topic of anal sex. How? Why? Good qustions all. For example, this was an actual conversation from 1986:
Danno: Gentleman, gentlemen. Still sitting watching TV. Yer wastin' your lives! Me: Ferris Bueller's Day off is on. Danno: Man, I'm tellin ya, ya gotta just turn her around and hit it. Fifty more muscles and five degrees warmer, I'll be done in a second. Bam Me: I see.